HELPFUL TIPS

 

Welcome to Amber’s Antidotes! Periodically, I will be posting tips to help you navigate some of the challenges we face as parents.

 

Delinquency is often set in motion during a child’s early years and by age 5, warning signs are already apparent. Amazingly, both of my children (age 4 and 6) have identified peers in their class who consistently behave badly. They daily return home and express annoyance and confusion with this peer’s lack of cooperation. 

 

If a child as young as 4 can recognize problem behaviors, why then can’t the child’s own parent? When problem behaviors are not addressed or go unrecognized at age 5, you can imagine how these problems become beyond control by age 15.

 

My book "How to Raise a Juvenile Delinquent" attempts to empower parents and urges them to regain control by utilizing techniques used in probation, which I identify in the book as R.A.D (Respect - Accountability - Deterrence). This simple formula is the key to successful parenting, but starting early is imperative! Do you consistently practice R.A.D in your home?

R.A.D
The formula of a happy healthy family

RESPECT - A CHILD OF ANY AGE MUST RESPECT HIS PARENTS’ AUTHORITY OR MAJOR PROBLEMS WILL SURFACE.

 

A good portion of children wind up at juvenile hall for assaulting their parent(s). When I interview the parents of these children, they almost always report that the assault was not an isolated incident. Sadly, these parents lost the respect they once had and are routinely battered by their own child. Children learn to respect their parents at an early age. Respect is very easy to establish during a child's first five years of life and can be easily maintained long-term IF the foundation is properly laid in the beginning.  Little children who hit their parents eventually become big children who hit their parents. 

 

ACCOUNTABILITY - CHILDREN INTERNALIZE RIGHT AND WRONG THROUGH ACCOUNTABILITY.  CHILDREN UNDERSTAND THAT GREAT OFFENSES DEMAND GREAT CONSEQUENCES.

 

Parents sabotage themselves by giving their children ill-fitting consequences, or by ignoring problem behavior all together. These problem behaviors don't go away, they just become exacerbated. When parents fail to hold a child accountable for his actions, not only do maladaptive behaviors become acceptable, but a skewed sense of right and wrong becomes part of the child's belief system.  The children I interview in custody who have assaulted their parents often see little wrong with their behavior. They are not in practice of accepting responsibility. They minimize their actions and often times will blame their parents for their behavior.

 

DETERRENCE - MOST OF THE TIME, IT WAS NOT THE ORIGINAL CONSEQUENCE THAT FAILED TO DETER; IT WAS THE PARENTS’ INABILITY TO CONSISTENTLY REINFORCE THE RULES. ONCE YOU SET A RULE, BE PREPARED TO UPHOLD IT.

 

A healthy fear of consequence plays a large role in dictating human behavior. One of the most challenging jobs we have as parents is issuing meaningful consequences that fit the objectionable behavior and provide deterrence- no matter what a child's age. In my line of work, I find that the children given the most leniency and/or chances, are the worst offenders. They keep coming back into custody, simply because the consequence previously issued was not that distasteful and provided no deterrence.

 

-Amber White